Tiny Conquest

As the supreme ruler of a budding empire, Tiny Overlord understands the importance of constant expansion in maintaining his authority. As such, he recently launched a colonization mission to the eastern United States. This mission was largely successful, resulting in total subjugation of the peoples of Maryland and Pennsylvania.

Tiny Annexation 2009-542:

Tiny Overlord hereby annexes unto his kingdom the states of Maryland and Pennsylvania, and all citizens residing within. This annexation agreement shall be assumed to carry the full consent of all residents and offers no monetary compensation for the United States. Residents of the annexed properties shall be subject to Tiny Statute 4DG-87, which requires quarterly pilgrimages to Tiny Overlord's fortress in the former state of Illinois.

Tiny Overlord subjugates the aquatic life of a northeastern Pennsylvania lake

Tiny Entertainment

Upon arrival on earth, the lenses covering Tiny Overlord's visual sensory devices were not yet calibrated for earth's atmosphere, nor could his sensors detect the full spectrum of electromagnetic radiation recognizable to most humans as visible light. He has been quickly rectifying this situation in order to more effectively rule his subjects. As of this writing, Tiny Overlord is able to resolve dog-sized objects on the far side of a room and is beginning to differentiate colors. As a catalyst for continued improvement of his visual acuity, Tiny Overlord now demands constant visual entertainment.

Tiny Overlord Code 450-FTR-3: Visual Entertainment
During Tiny Overlord's waking hours (see Edict 2748-432), all nearby human subjects shall provide constant visual entertainment in the vicinity of his visual sensory devices. This may include, but shall not be limited to, strange faces, high-contrast objects, mobiles, dog toys, and ceiling fans*. Any human failing to provide suitable entertainment during a given three-minute period of wakefulness shall be condemned to a minimum of thirty minutes transcribing new rulings.

* Empirical research suggests ceiling fans may provide maximum entertainment value, particularly the multi-colored fan in Tiny Overlord's chamber/nursery.

Aural entertainment will be covered in a future communication.

Yes, this pleases the Tiny Overlord. You may continue.

Tiny Omniscience

In order to remind his servants of his power, Tiny Overlord often uses his omniscience to demand the attention of the commoners when it would be most inconvenient. For example, while enjoying some tiny sleep, Tiny Overlord sensed that Serfs Glen and Rachel were trying to eat a peaceful dinner together. He waited until the moment that Serf Glen raised his fork to his mouth for his first bite to demand that he be served first. Tiny Overlord prefers that the servants eat in shifts, with one of them often having to eat their dinner a bit colder than they may like. Tiny Overlord also felt that this would be a good time to make his next decree, which he felt, should have gone without saying, but apparently his servants are stupider than he thought and require explicit rules.

Tiny Decree 9837-142

No servant shall consume his evening meal before Tiny Overlord has had his meal in accordance with Standards Bulletin 3DG-2809. Tiny Overlord will know if this rule is being broken, and the punishment will be loss of TV privileges for at least one hour.

Tiny Expressions

Having recently arrived on this planet and declared his ultimate authority, Tiny Overlord is now mastering human facial expressions as a tool to more effectively manipulate his subjects. Following a long night of frenetic rulings and transcription, he has discovered the power of a simple smile to maintain order. Next task: mastery of the commoner's language. He has already begun experimenting with vowels, which can be particularly powerful when combined with a smile.

Left: Default Expression. Right: Experimental Smile.

The smile at right was issued in celebration of Tiny Overlord's recent achievement: he has tripled in weight since arrival on this planet. Uneducated peasants may attribute this weight gain to an increase in mass, but this is a common misconception. In fact, Tiny Overlord has learned to manipulate the Gravitational Constant. This follows on the heels of a similar snubbing of the laws of physics: Tiny Overlord has warped the space-time continuum to place himself on a 20-hour sleep-wake cycle. Sun be damned.

Tiny Diva

Tiny Overlord welcomes his cousin, Tiny Diva, as a household guest this week. Tiny Diva's primary mission is to enforce the Prime Directive in the unlikely event that Tiny Overlord chooses to rest during the evening.

Tiny Feedings

Like any busy, all-powerful ruler, Tiny Overlord relies on servants to deliver sustenance while he weighs the critical issues of the day. Freed from the dual burdens of foraging and preparing his own food, Tiny Overlord has delivered numerous landmark decisions while feeding. The most recent of these is Load v. Pants (2009), on the minimum acceptable interval between soilings.

In order to reduce uncertainty and inconsistency regarding the feeding process, Tiny Overlord issues the following:

Standards Bulletin 3DG-2809: Feedings
Upon activation of the Tiny Overlord stomach quantity alarm (screaming accompanied by lip-smacking and possible eating-of-hand -- Figure 1), the nearest subject shall promptly execute the official Feeding Procedure. Tiny Overlord will signal completion of the procedure by issuing a new communication, an expulsion of waste material (Figure 2), or in rare cases, a facial expression designed for positive reinforcement. Excessive delay or use of an unapproved procedure is strictly prohibited and may result in banishment.

Figure 1 - Stomach Quantity Alarm

Figure 2 - Completion of Feeding Procedure

Tiny Directive 56-952b

No subject shall be allowed to sit on the couch for more than 5 minutes at a time while holding Tiny Overlord. Subjects shall carry Tiny Overlord around the house while bouncing him. If the bouncing is satisfactory, Tiny Overlord may grant some quiet. It is likely, however, to be unsatisfactory, and while the bouncing will be required to continue, quiet will not be granted.

Tiny Proclamation

Household Subjects:

Be it Known, on this 26th Day of July, 1 A.M. (Anno Michaeli), Tiny Overlord hereby establishes this electronic web log for the express purpose of Official Communication. All decrees, edicts, proclamations, directives, orders, laws, rulings, opinions, and other Official Sentiments, shall be transcribed from Tiny Overlord's native tongue (Screaming) into the commoner's language (English) by Head Serfs Glen and Rachel.

Edict 2748-432 (The Prime Directive):
No subject shall sleep between sundown and sunrise, as this is the the official period of new communications from the Tiny Overlord. Violators will be subject to projectile vomiting.

Additional communications to follow...